Psychosis

Just another word for it.

Scarred

Sometimes you feel as if you're being portrayed by an unknown artist who saw you in his dreams three nights ago.




-art by Trevor Brown

Back to the fundamental question

The unusual heartbeat could just be an anomaly. The devastating thing is that we may never get to find out whether it is or not.
We stand here and we wait just to be let down again and traumatized. The consequences could be more catastrophic than we imagine.
Believing is fatal at this point, and it may be the only thing that we can actually do. But it is also the hardest thing to do. More so when you haven't got the strongest mind in the world.

Is it justifiable to wait for salvation rather than make compensations for ourselves?
Are we still believers?

In the mood for some Oasis

cactus and lover

Hey Mr.Curiosity

Do you know the horrible feeling of waking up to a bladder explosion?
If you do, you are SO my friend.

Okay, so facebook tells me that I attract mentally unstable people because I'm one of them, and that I also attract weird, insane people because I'm one of them. And the newspaper told me that facebook was for intelligent people and myspace was for weirdos and creeps. Need I explain that no one can generalize ANYTHING? By the way, I so disagree with you, facebook. Now go to hell.

Only two people in the world I know speak of things that are 'somewhat' close to the truth; Michiko Kakutani of the NY Times and Ran Prieur(even though Ran Prieur could be considered a little kooky to people who don't agree with him..)
But then again, I'm not really sure if I should be the one defining 'truth,' seeing that I'm the most pathological liar in the entire world. Now this could just be another lie. You never know. Okay, so this is me, always underrating myself. Don't feel all sympathetic because I actually have a lot of fun doing it.

No more bullshitting. Well, that's kind of what I do every second of the day but yeah. After midnight, it's time for me to go back to the fundamental question:

Why do I fucking exist?

Note

Dear strangers I met on June 21st in downtown Songtan
that I took weird pictures of,

I'm sorry if you were creeped out by a freak, me, accosting you,
and I'm even more sorry if I took a picture of you.
But by having your pictures taken, you're actually
contributing to my [Project Humanity].
Thanks a million, and if you ever want to see those pictures,
please come back soon.
I'll upload em as soon as I get em developed...

If you'd like em emailed to you or if you want a real copy,
please contact me at:
te4quiero@aol.com
If you want me to take em down, again, contact me at
te4quiero@aol.com

Without wax,

the cactus

P.S. I'm not a photographer, nor do I want to become one.
Your picture won't be shown anywhere.
As you see, this website's just my private blog thingy.
All photographs are taken for philosophical reasons.

rubbish

I always have a gazillion stupid things to say. I really do. And as much as my words don't mean anything, I always want them to. Yeah, that's how vain I am. Tonight I'm trapped inside my own nothingness.
I make a tremendous amount of effort to be a laid back person, to not take everything so seriously. But I'm too analytical for that. I observe, I analyze, I juxtapose the matter at hand with a contrasting matter, I investigate, then I conclude. Are my conclusions always right? Hell no. They're as twisted as my mind is..

Being a misanthropist and a helpless cynic, I can't help but restrain from being generous to others as I am to myself. Call me a hypocrite...I won't object to that..
Despite my ultimate goal to become a better person, my actions hold no virtue. Compromising, justifying the wrong, victimizing myself..only the things as a kid I swore not to do are the things I do now just to breathe a little longer. I feel apathetic about the world, but pathetic about myself. It's quite devastating always pitying myself, but if I could help it , I certainly would.

Three people sit inside me, fighting to grip control over the frail body..whoever takes control, it won't matter, because whoever it is, I'll still be the reclusive, introvert, gloomy freak that I am.

stranded

Stranded.
No need for rescue, just company.

as egocentric as it sounds, I fucking mean it. I'm emotionally sadomasochistic.
I enjoy being isolated; I build extra thick walls around me. I suffer and simultaneously
enjoy the pain. and I crave for love, but not like everyone else does.
girls dream to be saved but i don't need rescue, i need someone to knock on my walls and
enter my island to stay. you want out? no fucking way.

i'm a cactus. i'll watch you bleed as you embrace me and cry because you bleed.
but i won't let go. i'm that selfish.

metamorphosis

"I will because I can."

no title

Everything about this place was extremely irregular. She thought the wind had blown over her head, making her hair slightly float, however, when she finally opened her eyes after a moment of doubt, she found out that there was absolutely no wind, and the room was filled with formidable silence. She was lying on something solid. It’s dark; it must be night, she murmured and waited for her eyes to get used to the darkness so she would be able to see clearly where she was, but soon she realized all the walls were painted black as well.

She breathed for a second, just to find out if she was still alive. She was. She didn’t quite know if it was a good thing or not. Then she realized that this place didn’t smell of anything. There were no signs of anyone else. Sound reverberated only in her head, and she could see nothing at all. She wasn’t at all scared, but instead she wondered. Why was she here? What was this place? She fell into a deep, pensive moment. Why, and how? She asked an abundant questions and thought of every possible answer, then she came to discover the most magnificent thing ever.
She was finally isolated! This room was her heaven.

clumsy

our lady peace was never my favorite band.....till now
k..so before explaining(to myself again..because i know no one cares) why
our lady peace suddenly became my favorite band
despite their ten something years of mainstream activity,
i sort of feel like describing my current status
because how i feel nowadays took part in making them my favorite band

ok..so i'm fed up with LIES. black or white or unconscious..i don't care
i'm just fucking sick of dishonesty.
it's pretty absurd that i'm the one saying this because
i'm a pathological liar. but whatever...i don't give a shit.
i know i'm not going to change because honesty really never helps
and when no one else is telling me the truth, why should i?
everyone is sly and dishonest, so if you decide not to be sly or dishonest,
you instantly become a social victim.
i'm not saying that this is normal, or right, or justifiable
i'm just saying that this is how it is nowadays
well.....ummm..so my point is that i'm sick of lies and dishonesty
and that i started wanting to hear more honesty,
which isn't very easy to get in the real world.

Raine Maida, the mainman of our lady peace, writes the most
honest and relatable songs in the whole world..
well actually, i wouldn't know if he is being honest because
obviously, i don't know him personally and whatever he wrote
could all be false, but at lease it sounds honest to me
and in some way, i feel like 'clumsy' is a song that Raine Maida is
singing to me and that's why whenever i listen to this song,
i feel at ease, and i feel that everything'll be okay

i've known this band for a while....(for a while as in 6 or 7 years..)
but i never considered them any more special than other bands.
now their songs touch me, and make me feel something
because i think it's how you feel at the moment that
makes you decide whether or not if you like a song or not
6 or 7 years ago, i used to think dishonesty was necessary
and i still think so now, but i never hated dishonesty as much as i do now






Clumsy

babblement on 'CREEP'

Radiohead is definitely one of my favorite bands
mainly because of their one-of-a-kind sound
and i always loved the lyrics that thom yorke writes
sometimes they include political issues, sometimes more personal issues so on so on..
and the lyrics are always somehow philosophical
i bet thom yorke has a different brain structure from other human beings

this song that i'm going to talk about, creep, in my opinion
was the most 'normal' song by Radiohead
but somehow it was considered controversial to the public
the parents(not realizing that their opinions don't count..) thought
this song made kids who feel different slit their wrists and hang themselves
and some music fans who knew one thing and not the other
claimed that they were disappointed in Radiohead for releasing a song like
'creep' because they thought it was too commercial and un-Radiohead.

on the other hand, some stupid fans claimed that Radiohead was only
mocking the music industry by releasing a very commercial and approachable song
honestly people, there're better ways to mock the industry...
and thom yorke knows better

What I Think is that this song is the truest at heart out of all the
great songs Radiohead had produced
not because it says 'i'm a creep i'm a weirdo' but because
when you're exhausted from pointing out all the crap that's going on
in the world and what you find ironic, you just gotta let it out and
speak up for the shallowest part in your heart
maybe they were taking a break from being philosophical and metaphoric
maybe they are really creeps and weirdos and don't feel that they belong

people take music too seriously when they aren't supposed to
if you can't accept music for what it is and you just have to say crap about it,
maybe you shouldn't listen to music in the first place
seriously, why all this controversy and shit-talking about
just another song! if you don't like it, don't listen to it!
if you're gonna listen to it, SHUT THE FUCK UP!

'back to basics' with the vines

yessh i know. not the most popular band in the world..
but kids who're just sick of the newer sounds,
which include bands who claim they're rockers
but have too much electronic sounds
and can't-play-live-without-MR-or-backups,
know this band, and love this band


the vines are australian rockers
who think 'simple' does not mean 'bad' or 'unoriginal'
and i agree with them 100%
but 'simple' and 'heard-of-before-i-think-they-copied' is different
fortunately, the vines' music is simple and unique



their sound appealed to the rock-lovers of UK and not as big,
but in america as well





their new album 'brain dead' is said to be out soon

don't listen to the radio

Jason "Charming" Mraz

This dude...oh my god..i just love him

he's got the bzaaa bzzuuuhh(whatever the fuck that means..)

i've first heard of him when one of my buddies lent me his first album

which is [Waiting for my Rocket to Come]

i thought it was simply 'charming' but nothing beyond that

because i thought Jason Mraz's music wasn't within my area

mmmkay..and that was like two something years ago

then this year, when i was looking for softer music to listen to

because i was looking for 'originality'

so eventually i started listening to his music again,

bought his new album and this time,

i was enchanted by every single song

him not being the most mainstream artist, i think, gives him

the courage to not compromise

and i think he just really enjoys everything as it is

and the most spectacular thing about his music is his lyrics..

every single word is sincere, and every single word is there for a reason

i personally think musicians are poets, especially singers

well..yeah...i know that some singers don't write the best lyrics

but this dude, Jason Mraz certainly can write some good shit

last month, I went to his show

I enjoyed every little bit of it

and now i'm totally infatuated with his music!

The Remedy(I Won't Worry)

Chris VandeGuchte

atlantis by chris vandeguchte

irregular and aberrant but so symmetrical and right at the same time

do i know what i'm talking about?

honestly, no

but i know that this guy Chris VandeGuchte knows what he's doing

he's a photographer, he's a painter, he's a poet, he's..whatever..

i don't have the fancy words- he just rocks! or his work rocks!

the reason for this (almost fussy)compliment is not just because of

the photograph i've attached above

but because of all his other works-his paintings, his self-portraits

i wish i could attach every single piece on this post but since i can't

there you go:

http://www.vandeguchte.com/

just a quick babblement

as much as i am a music freak, i'm also a fashion freak

i have no artistic talent and i'm only a dilletante

and what i'm about to discuss is a more

'common' matter

perhaps i'm only writing this to defend myself

but what am i defending myself from?

idk...wtf.....

well yeah...umm..

i never judge anyone by their looks

oh no i sort of do but appearances don't get in the way of

my social life

i'm not saying that 'the inner beauty' is everything

i'm just saying that greasy hair with no bangs and old wrinkly

noname brand t-shirts don't keep me away from being friends with someone

i may ask him why he presents himself like that

but if he's got a reasonable reason,

hey that's cool.

i personally love designer clothes

and i also like newer things

i don't usually pick up random stuff from random stores

but i definitely don't say something like

'oh my gawwwd your knit, that is so f/w 03!

can't you keep up with the trend?

your fashion is SO archaic!'

and dude, that's awesome if you can afford to

buy new clothes every season

and keep up with the flow

but that's only for rich people who can pay for all that

and still have money to pay for food the next morning

i also happen to love VINTAGE and cheaper products

those may not have the 'Louis Vuitton' tag on it

but so what

what fits great and what looks good on me is what's right for me

you don't see Michael Korrs wearing some-hundred-thousand-dollar

Armani suit and try desperately to

wear the new trendy clothes

he wears this same kind of black blazer and black t-shirts

with worn-out-looking jeans all the time

you don't see Marc Jacobs doing that either(he sometimes does something like it tho..)

he wears simple t-shirts sometimes with tacky or childish prints on em

and cargo pants that looks like he purchased it at Wal-Mart

their styles might not be the trendiest

(funny to say because they're the American top designers)

but it looks great on them

and they feel comfortable in those clothes

o.....k....so what was i trying to say?

for fuck's sake this is why i can never do great on essays

i should never be a writer

the horrors is the new thing

these London kids with size 26 trousers happen to know some
good garage punk


i don't know if this will be the right word but their sound is
quite 'ghetto' to me.

don't get me wrong. i LOVE this band(mostly for their stick skinny fashion-loving style..but..)
it'd be piteous if they recorded at a fancy modernized studio
and compromised with technology to make this old-fashioned garage sound
but if they chose to record at an old breaking-down almost derelict studio
i want to tell them 'right on dudes. that's how you do it'

i have every single one of their albums(and i had to go all the way to japan to get em)
i dunno about their albums being one of my favorites
but hell yeah, they're something new and something extremely unique
and the horrors is a band that you probably don't want your
mama to know about
but fuck it, my mama likes my chemical romance.....(and i think it's a tragedy..)
and she doesn't seem to mind my corey taylor poster






Sheena is a Parasite
directed by 'the' Chris Cunningham

an act of spontaneity

"an act of spontaneity"




is the perfect title for this...umm..shit(no other language for something like this..)


my rationality kept saying 'no' (more like screamed 'no' but..yeahh)
but the devil inside me won the fight- as a result,
i've done something purely out of impulsive instinct...



and that is...



CHOPPING OFF MY HAIR IN THE BATHROOM
....and with scissors that were meant for cutting fabrics only....



seriously, this new home-done haircut is absurd..fucking absurd.
and it is going to attract some seriously negative attention.

this is what i looked like before(not too pretty, i know..):





























and this is what i've done to myself(terrifying!!!!!!):


























i could not DARE post the picture that shows the whole figure
of my haircut because it is just HORRIFYING
my head looks like a wilson volleyball


grr...my agony T.T

asphalt jungle

yessh

it's only fair that i introduce myself.....to the ambiguous people who might

care to read this shit..

or just to myself again to remind myself what a terrible kid i am.

my name is(or more like I THINK MY NAME IS) AJ.

no, AJ does not stand for my korean name

and no, AJ does not stand for asphalt jungle

oh no..actually yes it kind of does too...maybe..i honestly don't know

but what i do know is that i'd like to be called 'CACTUS' here

i am a HUGE music freak,yes.

and music is what i want to pursue but may i remind you that i have "0zero" talent

but an abundance of drive, passion and aptitude

i am a metalhead, i am a punk, i am a rocker...you name it

pantera is my ultimate metal hero but i still have my utmost respect for

other artists of other genres such as stevie ray vaughan and pat metheney

not only am i a music freak, i am also a fashion & arts freak

photography is also one of my great interests

mmm...(running out of things to say..)

oh yeahsss, i am a friend to chemicals